The Power of No: Why Creating Boundaries in Childhood Makes for Healthy Adults

I grew up entitled in a largely upper middle-class family, the youngest of three children with two older sisters. I was used to getting my way – and it’s no wonder: I can remember my parents telling me no only twice in childhood.

The first time I must have been about six years old. We were in New York City at a souvenir shop – the non-food equivalent of literally being a kid in a candy store. It was sensory overload, and I wanted a troll doll. But my father nixed the idea, explaining that dolls were for girls. I cried, but he stuck to his guns.

The second time I must have been about eight and it was Halloween. The story I’m about to recall is a bit shocking, but hear me out. As a Jew, I learned in Hebrew school that Adolph Hitler was a monster – the worst possible human in history. So, what better costume than to dress as Hitler for Halloween, right? That’s how a child thinks.

I got creative: drawing his infamous mustache with something I borrowed from my mom’s makeup drawer, parting my hair just like his and taping swastikas on each arm of an Army green button-down shirt. I did it all under cover in the bathroom, not sharing a word of it with my family. I wanted it to be a surprise, proud of the idea’s ingenuity.

To say my parents were surprised was an understatement! They both said no, explaining as firmly yet also gently as they could that parents handing out candy in our neighborhood would be deeply offended and just wouldn’t understand what I was after. Of course, I cried – again – not used to my requests being shot down.

But thankfully, my parents didn’t budge – sparing me a chorus of outrage, humiliation and ridicule and the accompanying trauma. Over the years, the story actually became funny every time I retold it, and it provided an opportunity for me to express deep gratitude to my parents, who despite making me accustomed to getting my way, were two of the most incredible, compassionate and loving people you’d ever know.

The fact is, it was a different time. I grew up in the 1960s and early 1970s when the family unit was coming undone and my parents were ultraliberal about what they allowed me to do – and get away with. They did their best with nothing but good intentions, and I never once resented their approach as an adult. 

Years later, I realized how damaging their seeming inability to tell me no would be in adulthood. It set me up for years of rude awakenings and disappointments. I gradually saw my self-esteem and confidence vanish. I became paralyzed by fear when having to ask questions or speak in public – an occupational hazard for a journalist. It’s a wonder I was ever able to hold a job maintain the same friends, but I managed to do both.

What I couldn’t manage, however, was staying married. It took me four times to finally get it right, which is ironic considering my parents were happily married for nearly 72 years. But by then, I had finally become the best possible version of myself. And I was horrified by the behavior I often displayed as a child.

Recently, my beloved wife shared with me a few videos from Scot Anderson, lead pastor at Living Word Bible Church in Mesa, Ariz. One of them stopped me in my tracks and eventually inspired this post.

“We live in a gentle-parenting culture where parents are afraid to give their child a no,” he said in an Instagram reel. “And what you’re raising in there is a child-centered child – it’s all about them and they can’t they grew up to be high schoolers, and they grew up to be adults who can’t handle a no from their spouse and no from their boss and know from anything in their life and everything is devastating because their parents didn’t use the no’s to grow them.”

He later went on to say: “Don’t be afraid of giving your children no’s. Be more afraid of giving your children everything they want rather than what they need. What your child needs is good discipline. They need good direction. They need you to instill guidance and wisdom and direction inside of them that will guide them all the days of their life. And a lot of that comes from giving them no’s.”

Thankfully, I have been following his advice as a parent of four children, and I can already see the immense difference in the way they’re growing up. I also can see all around me how the mistakes other parents make about not establishing reasonable boundaries play out on a daily basis. It’s disconcerting and a bit frightening.
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Maturity is not a given at any age. It takes a lifetime of enormous effort and a willingness to learn from failure, admit when you’re wrong, and apologize for saying and doing hurtful things. But more importantly, it’s about wanting to improve and grow as a person. Once all those stars align, you learn to live in gratitude daily and that giving is more important than receiving. When combining all that knowledge and wisdom, it’s so much easier to dwell on life’s many blessings and avoid fixating on the things we don’t have. And to me, that’s the secret to living a happy life.